Ratha (papertygre) wrote,

Hemp cereal; fear of repetition; weight down

I've been eating the same breakfast for about a month: HempPlus granola with unsweetened soy milk (sometimes with 2 squeezed oranges). My mother was the one to get enthused about this cereal, and my sister and I liked it also, so my dad went out and bought a 25 lb box of bulk cereal from the health food store. He said, "This is a lot of cereal so I hope everyone will eat it so the flour beetles don't get it instead." So I did my part. I noticed something right away: even though it tasted pretty sweet and this initially made me inclined to avoid it, for some reason (that I still haven't figured out) it makes me feel full for a long time. I can go for five or six hours on this breakfast. So, this morning, I opened up the cupboard and there was no more of it. The entire 25 lb box was gone. I improvised by mixing some crispy rice cereal with some quick oatmeal, but I had no flax seeds or hemp oil so it wasn't the same.

The point of this story is that it seems to illustrate something that thinking about Asperger's syndrome for the first time in a little while got me musing about. I actually don't mind repetition; I never really have. But there's something, perhaps a counterphobic tendency, that makes me fear it. I have always considered my adventurousness to be an important trait for preventing stagnation, but I wonder how much of it is cultivated and how much is really natural. I do get overloaded pretty easily, and when that happens I want to withdraw, to simplify life to a manageable level. I crave quality, depth, and immersion, so I constantly want to cut out distractions, but whenever I am successful in this I become seized by a countervailing fear that I will shrivel into a reclusive outcast, isolated from fresh ideas, playful excursions, and enriching communication with others. My fear of repetition extends to a lot of things - for example, it causes a noticeable amount of psychological anguish to follow the same path on a walk or run two days in a row, or to wear the same clothes multiple times in a week. But these are not actions that inherently bother me - what I am bothered by is the idea of possible effects that would come about if I did not strictly control my behavior in this way.

Maybe the explanation is that I have an egregore that I set up long ago to prevent rituals from settling. And maybe this is not really conducive to my individual happiness and actualization as a person.

Anyway, the cereal (or maybe it's the two meals a day paradigm, or some combination) seems to work pretty well. Yesterday, on a lark I tried on some size 5 pants I've had in my closet for a couple of years, and they fit fine. I wore them all day. In the evening, when I went to the grocery store, I noticed an enormous dial-headed scale against the front window in the entryway. It appeared to be a technical instrument, like for the shelf stockers to use, as it was not particularly attractive and had no coin op attachment, yet it was sitting there in a natural-looking spot and had a low enough platform, so I hopped on. Even wearing all my clothes (including my 3/4 length vinyl coat) it measured me at 132. That is what I would have considered a really good weight when naked about six months ago. So it seems like I'm doing something right, even though I haven't started formal CR yet.
Tags: as, cr, food, introspection, personality, psychology

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